Comics

So I have noticed when the paper comes, especially the weekend paper with the color comics I don't read them anymore.  It used to be the first thing I would read in the morning, it seemed a good way to start the day. When did this happen, I am not sure. I think it has happened since CML has taken over my life.

First off I do have to say I am doing very well, my medication is working great. However having a "chronic" cancer is for me hard. Yes I don't look like I have cancer, but then neither do most of the people I see at the cancer center when I go there. I can do all most everything I want to do and usually when I want to. But somewhere in the back of my head there is always that little voice, the one only I can hear. It tells me you still have cancer, you still are sick, you still can die from this, you still have to take medication for the rest of your life. I tend to shut out things I don't want to hear, I just figure if I ignore it then it will go away. For some reason I can't shut this one thought down. There are days when I want to talk to someone, but I can't.  I don't feel I should burden anyone else with my fears and concerns after all I don't look sick. Unless you are in the same boat as me you don't know what it is like to have CML. Yes you can read about it, get all the info you want but you just don't know what it is like to live it. Most days I do fine for some reason every now and then it all hits me and I don't like what I know about CML. I don't like what it does to me, I don't like what it does to the people I know, I don't like not knowing.  Someday I want to be able to say "I had cancer and I don't anymore" for me that day will never come.

Don't laugh but I just remembered why I am in one of those moods... The other day I was getting some PT done for a stiff neck that has been bothering me for a while. The therapist, someone I hadn't had, asked me about the exercises I was doing and if I felt any better, so I mentioned the pain in my legs and arms that is a lovely side effect from the Tasigna I take. She asked "is it terminal". I didn't know what to say, it brought me back to a post I have read of another CML patient when a friend was "surprised" she was still around. It is weird what will trigger my mind to go places it shouldn't go. However I did reply to the therapist with "as long as my medicine keeps working then I keep working" I think that just about sums it up.

 I want to read the comics again!