A battle

After having a very special and exciting weekend this week has turned as far around as you can get. One of my wife's friends was just diagnosed with bone cancer, and a friend of mine that I used to chat with all of the time on CSN has passed away. Just when I am having a moment of hope the door slams shut and reminds me again HEY STUPID YOU HAVE CANCER. I just want a break, some good news for a chance, yes things are going ok with me which I am thankful for each and every day. If it isn't one thing it is another, someone else has to fight this damn battle and someone else has lost their fight. At times I just want to scream//////////////////////////// It is hard on days like this to stay positive, to see the good in the medical field. Why can't cancer be cured, whey do people have to suffer when there is so much being gained daily in the medical field. I have to go, I can't put my thoughts down right now.

Wedding and phone calls

Well I sit here in my hotel room the day after my daughter got married. Wow, let me say that again, Wow. I didn't in my wildest dreams think I would be here for this day. 6 1/2 years ago when I was diagnosed with CML I called my daughter and gave her the news. She was in college at MSU. She tried to be strong but there was so much missing in her voice that I knew her heart was breaking. Jessica and I can talk about anything she would call me up and talk for hours about nothing or about something important, it didn't matter. What mattered was we where talking and I was always a phone call away if needed. Then I could hear it, it was what she didn't say that was loud and clear. A few weeks later she called up and said ALL that was it. so I said no CML and that was the end of the conversation. I know she is a smart girl so I also know that she was looking up as much information as she could on CML, at that time it wasn't good. It was before the TKI's I am on now have proved themselves to be a miracle drug. My own doctor told me 5 years is the average life span after being diagnosed. Well we both knew that wasn't enough time. I lost my mother when I was 24 and that just isn't enough time. Well a few more weeks past and I went down for a doctors visit and I met Jessica and we went out to eat, like we always do when we get together. It reassured her that hey I look alright so maybe things can still go ok. Then about a year later I asked if she wanted to go to one of my appointments to meet my oncologist. To my surprise she did, after going to the U of M Cancer Center, parking, going for my blood draw, then going upstairs to checking and finally getting in to a room, we sat and waited. She asked how do you know what to do this place is so big. I said you do what you have to do, and I have to do this. Well waiting for another hour or so she became more fidgety she decided to try on a pair of blue latex gloves that where in the room. Right when she had them both on and showing them to me, my doctor walks in and I introduce them. He smiles and says you must have been here a while. She sheepishly says yeah, I think that was a turning point in her knowing I was in good hands and being treated with the best treatment that was out there.

I too often wondered if I will ever see her married, will I ever see my grandchildren as my mother never did. Now I also see there is hope, there is a glimmer of hope that a cure will be found and I too will be able to see my child grow up and have her own children. Seeing how happy she was at her wedding is one of the best feelings I can have. I now have one less weight on my shoulders so I think for at least a little while I will have a little more bounce in my step, a little more of a smile. It is hard for me to dream of the future but with my daughters wedding I see with my own eyes that some of my dreams can and do come true.

I am still only a phone call away!