Well I woke up at 4AM last night and realized my legs where wet and hot. I wasn't sure if it was because one of the water bed tubes on my side sprung a leak or if I had night sweats. I figured out it was night sweats, which is very disturbing to me. I know every time I go to my oncologists office they ask if I have had night sweats and I always say nope. But now I will have to say "yes".
In my mind at 4AM all I could think of was "shit" my leukemia is coming back. I also had gone for my monthly blood draw on Friday which has now been spaced out to every two months. I didn't have the results so in my mind I knew the results where bad. Two months ago my counts where up for the first time, but my oncologist felt it was because of the prednisone I was on for a cough I couldn't shake. Well this afternoon I got my results and they are back where they should be. I am relieved, however I am still very concerned why the night sweats decided to show up at this time. At that time of night my mind races with thoughts of what is going to happen, when, how will I feel, what will I go through, etc.
In the past few weeks two people with CML who's blogs I follow have died from CML. Both where younger then me and in better shape when they where diagnosed. This bothers me more than I can tell. It is one of those things that sits in the back of your mind and eats away at you. It is always there, always lurking in my thoughts. A lot of people tell me I should not think about CML as much as I do, and I have cut back at what I read and what I keep up with. However, what bothers me is things that just show up out of the blue. It is hard to live a "normal" live when you don't feel "normal". I can't describe how it effects me but it does, knowing that my future is so uncertain keeps me up at night quite often. I know on the other side of the coin is that no one knows how or when something bad might happen to them. It is not that I live my life in fear, I just live my life more guarded them most people.
I try not to show all the time how I feel but people that know me, (Sherry) really know me can tell in my voice when I am in pain or by how I look when I feel like crap. I know there are much worse side effects that I could have, and I am thankful that I don't have most of them. Living with cancer is not easy, living with cancer and looking and acting relatively normal is not easy. I don't share my fear very often as I don't feel it is fair to burden the ones that love me. I often say I think to much, and this is one of those days.... Sorry for the rambling, sometimes it helps me to write it down even if I know no one is reading it.
No comments:
Post a Comment